To adopt or not to adopt? ..... NOT a question

Shortly after all the rush of emotions as we possibly got lined up to be adoptive parents two years ago and then not, Logan lost his job. We struggled through the year as Logan tried to find his place in the working field. Honestly, I don't know how we survived as I was not making enough money to pay all our bills, but we somehow survived through it all and Logan finally got a great job last December. Now that we feel like we are more financially able to pay for an adoption and can afford the things needed to support a child we decided we would pick back up on and finish our adoption paperwork once and for all. We set up an appointment with LDS Family Services and were anxiously awaiting that appointment.

We realized that, until we have children, there are three days we are going to have to "conveniently" miss church - Mother's Day, Father's Day and the day the Primary children do their Sacrament program. Mother's Day started out like any normal Sunday. I was excited to go to church, I had a new way cute dress I was planning on showing off and then it hit me about half way through taking the Sacrament....IT'S MOTHER'S DAY! I tried to keep my cool as I listened to the speakers talking about their mothers. I held back the tears when the Primary children sang. It is a rough feeling not knowing if I will get to be a mother in this lifetime (I pray and hope that I will...but you just don't really know) and I thought I did really good keeping it all in... until the Bishop got up to speak. I cried through his whole talk. It was a great talk, don't get me wrong, just made me very emotional. At some point in his talk (sorry that I don't remember Bishop Towers but that is when I lost it) he mentioned to not forget about the women who have not had a chance to have children of their own and started mentioning amazing women in our ward and how they "mother" in their own way. I don't know if he didn't mention my name because I don't do anything spectacular or because he saw me bawling in the corner, but I am kind of glad he didn't. I tried to hold back the tears and look up as often as I could to show that I was listening to his talk, though clearly I wasn't really processing it, and noticed my oldest brother sitting on the stand to the right of the Bishop with tears in his eyes looking my way. I lost it again, and am actually trying to hold back the tears now as I write the flow of emotions I had that day. I turned and noticed that even Logan was crying. After Sacrament meeting we quietly slipped out the back and spent the rest of "church" at home with each other.

Fast forward to last Wednesday. We met with our caseworker at LDS Family Services. Since it has been so long since we started our paperwork we have to start everything over from scratch. We sat in the office and completed as much as we could right there. Statistics are not in the favor of adoption but we were presented with options and are still pushing forward with everyhing. I have faith that no matter what, we will do what we are suppose to do and we will either be blessed with a child one way or another, or will be comforted in whatever reason it is that we will not have children. I believe that Heavenly Father has given this trial to us for a reason and have faith in that reason, no matter how emotionally draining it is.

Life

I have started a new weight loss program that is teaching me how to eat correctly (I DON'T eat salad, most vegetables, or fruit so I have a rough time getting the necessary vitamins and nutrients my body needs), and focus on myself. That, surprisingly, has been A LOT harder than I thought it would be. There are motivational talks included with the weight loss program and one of them struck me pretty hard. It gave the example of when you are on an airplane the stewardess explains that in case of an emergency oxygen masks will be released from the overhead compartment and that you are to put the mask on yourself FIRST, and then help others around you. We have all heard that, even if you haven't flown on an airplane. It goes on to say that if we try to put the oxygen mask on our children or neighbor before putting it on ourselves we might pass out due to altitude, or other circumstances, before having the chance to help anyone else. Now turn that example around and apply it to your life. If you always go around saying you are "OKAY" and continue to serve others and be busy-busy-busy (yes, I created my own word there), everyone else around you will be "okay" and you will just end up being burnt out. 

I always wanted to be a mother. When I was a young girl, I didn't want to waste my time in college because all I wanted to do was be a Mom. Now here I am, 30 years old...childless and unable to have children, working at a dead end job that does nothing but make me feel useless and does not allow me to use my full potential. You would think that since I don't have any children I would have TONS of time for ME....not so much. Working full time, family, visiting teaching, friends, cleaning, cooking, serving, crafting, church, YW Camp, QUEST, and so on... its all quite exhausting!

I love doing service for others, and no matter what I have going on, I push it all aside to help. I feel selfish if I am not doing something for others which puts me in a predicament concerning the last few sentences of the first paragraph. Take time out for me and feel selfish or end up being burnt out. Maybe some of my readers have some words of wisdom they can share as to how the make it all work. Either that or unknowingly I am going to start a "selfish" movement that helps women take better care of themselves (all while still allowing them to serve others, of course).

After explaining my situation to a concerned family member, I was asked if I should ask someone to take my responsibilities of QUEST because I should take time out for myself. (For those of you who don't know, QUEST is a youth "camp" where youth from our area and surrounding cities/towns will get together for a week of spiritual fulfillment and will be re-enacting the stories in the Book of Mormon. It is a quest for the youth to become more like Jesus Christ. Learn more about the Book of Mormon here.) I immediately told her no because the church and my service in the church is keeping me grounded. I am so excited for QUEST and being able to see the youth participate, and participate myself in this type of spiritual activity is what I want and need.

 I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and my faith in Jesus Christ has given me the strength to hang on during this bumpy ride of life.

So all you wise friends who are reading this, how do you do it? How do you have lives, children, jobs, errands, chores, provide service, do activities and still keep yourself sane, mentally and physically grounded?

Updates to come

I see that I have been having some people "check up on me" so it was a gentle reminder that I need to do some updating. Keep checking back.... Updates to come!