Wednesday, May 30, 2012

To adopt or not to adopt? ..... NOT a question

Shortly after all the rush of emotions as we possibly got lined up to be adoptive parents two years ago and then not, Logan lost his job. We struggled through the year as Logan tried to find his place in the working field. Honestly, I don't know how we survived as I was not making enough money to pay all our bills, but we somehow survived through it all and Logan finally got a great job last December. Now that we feel like we are more financially able to pay for an adoption and can afford the things needed to support a child we decided we would pick back up on and finish our adoption paperwork once and for all. We set up an appointment with LDS Family Services and were anxiously awaiting that appointment.

We realized that, until we have children, there are three days we are going to have to "conveniently" miss church - Mother's Day, Father's Day and the day the Primary children do their Sacrament program. Mother's Day started out like any normal Sunday. I was excited to go to church, I had a new way cute dress I was planning on showing off and then it hit me about half way through taking the Sacrament....IT'S MOTHER'S DAY! I tried to keep my cool as I listened to the speakers talking about their mothers. I held back the tears when the Primary children sang. It is a rough feeling not knowing if I will get to be a mother in this lifetime (I pray and hope that I will...but you just don't really know) and I thought I did really good keeping it all in... until the Bishop got up to speak. I cried through his whole talk. It was a great talk, don't get me wrong, just made me very emotional. At some point in his talk (sorry that I don't remember Bishop Towers but that is when I lost it) he mentioned to not forget about the women who have not had a chance to have children of their own and started mentioning amazing women in our ward and how they "mother" in their own way. I don't know if he didn't mention my name because I don't do anything spectacular or because he saw me bawling in the corner, but I am kind of glad he didn't. I tried to hold back the tears and look up as often as I could to show that I was listening to his talk, though clearly I wasn't really processing it, and noticed my oldest brother sitting on the stand to the right of the Bishop with tears in his eyes looking my way. I lost it again, and am actually trying to hold back the tears now as I write the flow of emotions I had that day. I turned and noticed that even Logan was crying. After Sacrament meeting we quietly slipped out the back and spent the rest of "church" at home with each other.

Fast forward to last Wednesday. We met with our caseworker at LDS Family Services. Since it has been so long since we started our paperwork we have to start everything over from scratch. We sat in the office and completed as much as we could right there. Statistics are not in the favor of adoption but we were presented with options and are still pushing forward with everyhing. I have faith that no matter what, we will do what we are suppose to do and we will either be blessed with a child one way or another, or will be comforted in whatever reason it is that we will not have children. I believe that Heavenly Father has given this trial to us for a reason and have faith in that reason, no matter how emotionally draining it is.

1 comment:

Skye said...

Oh Kelsey, I'm so sorry. I hope so badly that you'll be able to adopt. I can't imagine how hard this is. It breaks my heart because I know that you and Logan would be the best parents. I'll be praying for you.